Humor (none of this is mine!)

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    •    Don’t ever try to explain a drone to an older person. It just goes right over their head

    •    Don’t ever try to explain the Kennedy assassination to a young person it just just goes in one ear and out the other

    •    The problem is not that obesity runs in your family; it’s that no one runs in your family.

    •    We nicknamed one of our sons “OJ”  cause he always gets away with murder.

    •    Anyone contemplating describing my penis, should think long and hard.

    •    Why is it that a hand is never 12 inches long?  Because then it would be a foot.

    •    I farted on an elevator today which was wrong on so many levels.

    •    How do you make an egg roll?   You push it.

    •    I’m going to write a book about clocks;  its about time!

    •    Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical.   I am appealing.

    •    Why was I fired as a stock broker?  I don’t want to speculate.

    •    I did a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention. Fortunately it didn’t raise any eyebrows.

    •    I was horrible in school. I failed math so many times, I can’t even count.

    •    I started with nothing and still have most of it.

 

*Einstein has a new theory about space. And its about time too!

    •    What do lawyers and sperm have in common? They both have one chance in 3 million of becoming a human being.

    •    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?  The prostitute stops screwing you after you’re dead.

    •    I hate scrabble so much, I just can’t put it into words.

    •    If I had to rate our solar system, I'd give it one star

    •    Just remember, you are unique: just like everybody else!

    •    The definition of masturbation ... .taking matters into your own hands. 

    •    Do you know that 20 percent of Americans have gone to the University. . . .and shot someone.

    •    I watch doomsday films like there’s no tomorrow.

    •    I’ve  been thinking of starting to do meditation I think it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

    •    My wife and I decided we don’t want children.  If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

    •    My sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud’s father…..um. .. . .mother!!

    •    When I was a child, my fairy god mother asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis.  I forgot what I answered.

    •    I now know why I didn’t do well in school. I used a black highlighter pen.

    •    Don’t worry about getting old. It doesn’t last that long.

    •    I have an inner child, but I don’t think its mine.

    •    What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?  About 50 lbs.

    •    How do I avoid being repetitive:  Well, practice, practice practice.

    •    I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

    •    My teachers told me I procrastinate too much.  I told them ‘just you wait!’

    •    Does my wife think I shrink from responsibility?  You’ll have to ask her

    •    What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy:  I don’t know and I don’t care.

    •    It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

    •    For me its always hard talking to a pretty woman. But then she’ll notice and it will go soft again.

    •    I haven’t been able to sell one copy of my autobiography:  story of my life!

    •    I watch doomsday films like there’s no tomorrow.

    •    My dad recently. passed away because, unfortunately, none of us could find his blood type.  His last words were"Be Positive."

    •    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    •    I think its wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.

    •    I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it.

    •    I've got a drug problem. . . I can't find any!

    •    A guy almost hit me in his car when it came to a stop. I said “Are you blind?”  He said “I hit you didn’t I!”

    •     A man decided to use as his password “Mypenis” for his browser, but it said “too short’

    •    I met a microbiologist. He was a lot bigger than I imagined.

    •    People of accused me of plaigiarism:  their words not mine!

 

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing. 

    •    They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now. 

    •    I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. 

    •    I met my wife on jury duty…..thanks to me she was acquitted.

    •     Who is this Rorschach guy and why did he paint so   many pictures of my parents fighting.

    •    How do you make holy water?  You boil the hell out of it.

    •    So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word “Apocalypse”. It’s not the end of the world.
    
    •    My best friend, whom I have known all my life, revealed to me today that he is imaginary.  I didn’t see that coming

 

Slightly longer jokes

    •    A naked man came to a psychiatrists office wrapped completely in Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said “Well I can see you’re nuts”

    •    People ask why I drink wine. I say that I have a genetic disorder. My body does not make wine.”

    •    My wife was a psychology major and she’s constantly psychoanalyzing me.  So when I wanted to fire the pool boy she said you are jealous of viral males and you’re getting older and coping with you own mortality.And my argument was  “we don’t have a pool”

    •    My aunt retired from the DMV after 40 years. Imagine 40 years, and she says she waited on a total of about a dozen people.

    •    I wasn’t very good in school One day the teacher said, “class today we are starting with the letter N.  So she asked me to say anything that i had trouble with in the world which started with the letter N.  I told her “Spelling.”

    •    A man won the lottery and said to his wife “Pack your bags.”  She said excitedly where are we going the mountains or the beach.  He said “Just leave!”

    •    A 85 year old man was asked to provide a sperm sample and given ajar to take home/ The next day he came back and said I used my right hand, then my left, my wife used mouth, and even my neighbor came over and used her arm pit…but none of us could get the jar opened.

    •    A woman went to a gynecologist. He told her “you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”  She said “Why, what’s wrong with that?”  He said, I'm trying  to examine you.

    •    An elderly English teacher was trying to teach her class about verbs. She said “If I said ‘I am beautiful’ what tense woudl that be. Her student said “obviously past”

    •    A man said to his wife, “Would you marry again if I died?  She said “no I think I would live with my sister.” Then she asked her husband, “Would you marry again if I died?  And he replied “No I think I would live with your sister.”will be sent to you for how to open the file.  Y

 

 

 

 

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